Patterns II: Always left behind
by kage-fubuki
Summary: -one shot, second in Patterns series- He kept being drawn into fights he did not want. But today, he chose to fight. -Shikamaru-centric-


**Disclaimer:** Don't own Naruto. But I'm still waiting to get my hands on Shikamaru.  
**Spoilers:** For manga chapters 118, 201, 323, 330 and their respective contexts.

* * *

_Patterns II_  
Always left behind

It was necessary, he told himself while the sounds of his leaving comrades died around him. Staying behind was essential to this mission. Someone had to do it, and hey, was he not experienced at this? How many times had he confronted enemies in order to ensure a safe way out for Ino and Chouji? This was nothing new to him. Nine sound ninja? Piece of cake. The dog also seemed to trust him with this, or it would have said something. Nothing could go wrong.

Right?

A deep sigh escaped his lips while he picked up the third in a series of twigs he considered useful. He was fooling no one with those kind of thoughts, least of all himself. His chakra was depleted, his skill mediocre, his body exhausted. His only saving grace was his, according to Asuma-sensei, "exceptional" intelligence, and creeping fear seemed to have formed a deep knot in his brain that denied him all coherent thought, leave alone any working plans. This mental rambling brought him nowhere.

He was going to die.

Two more little twigs enabled him to execute the only course of action he had been able to come up with. Holding them together in one hand and carefully arranging them, he examined the shape they created. And yes, it really did look like a paw print.

Perfect.

Still sighing on occasion, he walked around in the clearing in seemingly random patterns, pressing the twigs to the ground every once in a while.

_There… no, a few centimetres closer, it's getting too orderly…_

This was his only hope of stopping their pursuers, Naruto and Sakura's only hope to catch up to Sasuke and help him fight the Sand Trio. How they were hoping to face even Gaara alone was beyond him, but he had a distinct suspicion that nine blood-thirsty Sound ninja would not quite raise their chances of survival.

Or his.

How was _he_ planning to face his enemies? But that was just the thing. He was planning on _facing_ them, not on _defeating_ them. He just needed to hold them long enough in order for his friends to get a head start. He just needed to hang on as long as he could and the Sound ninja would – hopefully – lose track of them.

And kill him for messing with their plans.

Why was he being so negative? He had never really been afraid of death, knew that as a shinobi, he would face certain death at a very young age.

It was common knowledge.

But now, now that he was so directly confronted with death, now that it slapped him in the face, now that it seemed to try and mock him for wanting to play the hero, the fact that _his life was going to end_ edged itself into his head.

Painfully.

Scrutinising his masterpiece, he nodded to himself slowly before hiding in a spot behind a tree, the location of which enabling him to observe the entire clearing. He just had to wait for them now. It could only be a few more minutes, maximum, before they found the tracks that they had to think their targets left behind.

Or at least he hoped they would.

"I got away in time", he muttered to himself while glancing up at the clouds. And getting away was a good thing. After all, standing there right in the middle of the clearing when his pursuers arrived would have kind of defied his purpose.

He smirked to himself.

Yeah, some genius he was, for realising the obvious. Even Naruto would have understood that sooner than he had done.

Was this what they called black humour?

"Wonder if they caught up to him yet…" He closed his eyes, a frown twisting his features. Suddenly, he wished he had turned around to them. Had at least said goodbye. He was going to die – die, _die_! – and the only thing he had been able to do was to casually wave his hand and play hard-to-read. As if they had not realised he had been afraid. As if they had not realised he had wanted to stay with them.

_And Asuma thinks I'm smart?_

But really, what kind of help could he have contributed? With Naruto's Kage Bunshin, one person more or less would not really have changed a thing. Add to that his rather bad condition and he could rest assured that he would not have been of any use over there.

Somehow, the thought did not comfort him.

* * *

It was necessary, he told himself while the bright orange of Naruto's jump-suit faded to blend in with the green of the forest. One of them had to fight, the other had to go. And was there any point in even _trying_ to hold Naruto from seeing his best friend? Even if the plan had reversed their roles, even if he had chosen to rescue Sasuke himself, Naruto would probably still have come along, leaving their enemy to do whatever she pleased.

The ghost of a smile fell on his face.

And really, with the way fate seemed to provide him with everything that Sasuke had always wanted – a family, friends, personal freedom – he doubted the Uchiha heir even wanted to see him. Naruto had been the best choice, he had been the worst. Was there even a choice left for him?

Was there ever?

Even right now, he had no choice but to use his signature jutsu, to try and catch this girl before things got hairy, to do everything in order to end the battle before it had time to even start.

He should have known it would not work.

One moment, she was shouting obscenities at him, and the next, she moved out of harm's way, back on her guard in the blink of an eye. This would be much more difficult than he had hoped it would be.

"So the same trick won't fool you twice, huh?"

He should not have expected her to fall for this. And no, to be frank, he had not. But that did not mean his plan had not worked.

"Well, at least he was able to get away."

At least Naruto was on his way. At least the mission would be continued. At least he knew that there was still someone out there, fighting for their cause. Now all he had to do was to play his part, all he had to do was to stop his own personal opponent, like the others before him had done. All he had to do was to do what he was good at.

"And don't forget, a ninja fights with more than just his jutsu."

He had no choice but to rely on his strengths to make up for his weaknesses. He _had_ to do this, everything else would mean crushing the efforts his friends had made. Leaving behind Chouji and Neji, losing Kiba... no, Kiba was still alive. He had to be.

They all were.

And Naruto was still out there, fighting for all of them. Everyone was fighting. He could not be the only one to give up now.

That was the only choice he could still make.

Yes, he had no choice left in anything else, but that was because he _himself_ would not let things like these happen. His options were limited only by the expectations he had put on himself. No one but himself pushed him to go up against an enemy who was obviously stronger than him. Nothing but his own sense of duty forced him into this.

But would he even _want_ to give up?

Granted, it bugged him that the mission's success or failure was out of his hands now. It was the same situation as back then, he realised in a flash. He had given up on the big things in order to handle the smaller ones.

And yet, this was different.

Back then, he had thought of nothing but dying. He had not even considered the possibility that he might actually have a chance of survival, had resigned himself to his fate and waited for death to embrace him. Back then, he had not had the will to survive.

He did now.

He _wanted_ to live. _Needed_ to live, needed to see the outcome of this disaster. He could not die without knowing, could not let that cursing, pink-haired monstrosity kill him before he had not at least learned the _reasons_ for all of this.

That was the difference.

The overall situation was the same. He still needed to contribute to the general goal, still needed to achieve one part of the big success, still needed to become one of the little cogs making it all work. But this time, he was _willing_ to fill that role. This time, he would not be satisfied in simply doing what others relied on him to do as if it did not affect him. This time, he would aim for success _and_ survival, would be there in the end to celebrate their victory.

His choice was made.

* * *

It was necessary, he told himself, while he watched Asuma step in front of him and the other two. There was no way they could let the Akatsuki go and kill off more innocent people. Someone had to stop them, and Asuma was definitely right in saying that out of the four of them, he was the best choice for that job.

The only choice.

Heck, surely no one expected _him_ to deal with these monsters, right? He was a mere teenager, a freaking seventeen year old _teenager_. On the way here, he had wondered why they had taken him along at all. Three adults, experienced fighters, nonchalant survivors, proficient killers – and he, a brat more than anything else. What was it that they needed him for?

He was not sure.

"Heh… I'll be more than just some sacrifice…" Asuma did not look at him when he spoke, and yet, somehow, he knew the words were meant for him. The next part proved it. "I've got you looking after me, after all."

He closed his eyes.

Was this it? Did they need him to overlook the fight? To see to it that no one got seriously injured? Why would they think he _could_? Did they not remember that disastrous rescue mission, remember that the only reason for his entire squad's survival had been a ridiculous streak of luck?

Well, they should.

But one thing, he was certain of. They _did_ need him. Why else would he be here? He did not know what for, he did not know what justified Asuma's, justified everyone's trust in him, but there _was_ a reason for him to be here, even if he himself could not see it.

He frowned.

Had they been able to listen to his thoughts, it probably would not have reassured them. He was supposed to be the genius around here, the smartest person in the entire vicinity. He was supposed to stay level-headed, to keep his calm and think of things that others would never have thought of.

So he formed his seal.

They relied on him. The plan was risky, but it was the only one they had. To deal with people like that, one had to take risks. They had known that this would be a difficult mission. Or why else had Ino pulled him into a bone-crushing embrace when he had received the signal? Or why else had Chouji gripped his shoulder before he had had to leave for the mission briefing, in a feeble attempt to convey a load of inexpressible feelings?

He needed to get through this.

His contemplation had not taken him longer than a few seconds, and he knew they would remain the last seconds of silence he would be granted for a while now. He could see Asuma and the immortal one staring at each other. It gave him just enough time to infuse his shadow with his chakra and get ready to use it.

That did not dispel his eerie suspicions, though.

It all happened in slow-motion now. Izumo and Kotetsu were moving closer, ready to shield him from any and all attacks the hooded guy might choose to throw at him. Asuma and the loud one now reached for their weapons, readying themselves for what was coming.

This needed to work.

Was Asuma sure about this? He doubted Kage Nui would faze that guy in any way. And yet, his jutsu was the one most advantageous to what they were trying to do. He was the one best suited for the protection job. At least this way, he would be able to help out with something important for once.

Something important…

This was probably the first time, right? They had never exactly needed him on the front lines before, and he had always been okay with that.

Now they did.

The funny thing was that in comparison to Akatsuki, his former enemies looked like Academy students. And yet, he had never been this calm before. The Sound ninja had scared him out of his wits, that Tayuya woman had driven him to his limits… now that he thought about it, none of his former opponents could have stood their ground against the Akatsuki, and yet he felt no fear. Doubt, yes. Apprehension. A feeling of impending doom. But no fear.

This time, he did not panic.

So if his jutsu was what would help Asuma make it through this alive, then heck, he would _use_ it. If his assistance was what might assure the mission's success, then it was not his place to doubt the reasons for being chosen. If his intervention was of any significance, then he needed to give this his all. If he could save so many lives – Asuma's directly, Naruto's in a more metaphorical sense, and so many others – then he should finally stop doubting his own damn abilities.

If he could make a difference, he needed to make it.

The sound of metal hitting metal shook him out of his musings. He needed to focus now, could worry about stuff like that later. He had to believe in himself and his partners. This would work, full stop. And so he took a deep breath and reached out with his shadow.

The battle had started.

* * *

It was necessary, he told himself while gathering his things. He was heading into battle, and he was determined more than anything else. Not scared. Not apprehensive. Not angry. Not bored, as he always was. No, all he felt was a burning determination, an urge to fight that he had never felt before in his life.

Hidan was going to pay.

For once, there was no doubt in his mind that he would succeed in this. His mind was full of plans, full of strategies and tactics. He also had backup plans. He even had backup plans for the backup plans.

He was ready.

In a way, he felt that these past few days had changed him into a completely different person. He had trained like a maniac, which had almost caused Ino to faint in shock when she had first seen him do it. He had strategized his way around all the little and not-so-little problems he had been able to think of – and he could think of one heck of a lot of things. He had learned to use the chakra knives that he had taken with him as a memento - watching Naruto use them before the mission had turned this into one of the easier parts of training. He had pulled two new jutsu out of nowhere, ready to use them, should the need arise.

There was nothing more he could have done.

Where had his care-free, teenaged self disappeared to? The boy who looked at the clouds as a pastime? The nuisance that had managed to fall asleep during some D-ranked missions? The young man that no one had ever expected any great things from? Deep down, he knew he should not dare asking himself that question.

He dreaded the answer.

He did not think he missed that demotivated guy too much, though. His former self had kept passing up chances to help, dismissing opportunities to do some good. His former self had had no ambitions whatsoever. True, he had always known that there were things that needed to be done. The thing was simply that he never even had the idea that he could be the one to do them.

But why leave to others what you were good at yourself?

He knew where to find the Akatsuki. He knew how to beat them. He knew how to get out of the fight alive. He knew how to keep Ino and Chouji alive as well. So really, what reason was there to stay in the relative safety of the village, hiding in his favourite cloud-watching spot, waiting for others to do what he could do himself?

He had everything he needed.

There was no reason, he decided once again. He knew that this time, he would handle the big things, the things that he had used to merely watch being handled.

He tugged at his shoes one last time.

Somehow, making a difference did not seem as impossible a thing as it used to anymore. Why had he always relied on people to fight for him? Why had he never realised how much he could accomplish, if only he tried?

He sheathed his sword.

So what if he had to put in some effort in order to gain that power? So what if he had to go out of his way to better himself? Was this not worth it? Not only was he apprehensive of the imminent confrontation, no, he was extremely surprised at how thrilled he felt at the prospect of having an impact on something for a change.

He closed the latch on the belt with the pockets.

The exploding tags were in there – one of the more essential parts of his main plan. He was probably going to use up all of his resources in this fight, but if only the plan worked, if only those guys were brought to justice, he would willingly plunge himself into a fight like that.

He lit one of his sensei's cigarettes.

This was thanks to Asuma, really. Asuma's words had been what had awakened that fire in him, that shining will to fight, that blazing urge to set things straight. It had been Asuma who had made him realise just how much of a waste the greater part of his life had been.

He knew that now.

Had he just known that before, maybe things would have been different. Maybe he would not have needed to be saved by Asuma when he had decided to fend off the Sound ninja. Maybe he would have managed to lead that rescue mission to success, to get Sasuke back to the village along with a team consisting of only healthy and happy shinobi. Maybe he would not have lost Asuma, would not have lost his guide and mentor, companion and friend, teacher and second father.

Maybe.

Of course he had trained like every other ninja his age, had tried to better his skills in order to survive his battles, had carried out his missions to benefit the village the way a good ninja should. But if only he had managed to see the significance of it all, maybe it would not have had to come to this.

"Are you ready?"

Ino's voice. This would not be right without her. She had promised Asuma to take care of her team-mates, and she would rather sell her soul than break a promise like that. From the combat point of view, she was probably the weakest of them, and yet he needed her to be by his side. From the emotional point of view, she was stronger than both of her team-mates combined.

"Let's go, Shikamaru!"

Chouji's voice. This would not be right without him. Whatever he did, Chouji was by his side. Wherever he was, no matter in how much of a mess he found himself, Chouji would always be there to make him feel that it was not that bad, after all. Chouji knew the pain he felt without needing to be told a single word.

He stepped out of the gates.

Gone were the days of barely surviving fights by utilising impulsive, desperate creativity. He now had the power to support what his mind came up with, had an entire arsenal of jutsu to put to good use, and, most importantly, he had his friends with him. With these two by his side, he knew he could take on even the horror that was Akatsuki. Being this new self, he knew he could make a difference beyond even his own imagination. And so he gave them the one answer he knew they needed to hear.

"Yeah."

* * *

Once, he stayed behind to die, giving up on his very life. In the end, he was protected by a person he cared about, pulled out of a fight he had not been prepared to fight in the first place.

Once, he stayed behind to fight, facing his enemy in order to play his part, to do what he was required to do in order to complete the big picture. In the end, he was rescued from an hour-long struggle, from a problem he could not solve, although he had tried.

Once, he stayed behind to protect, to let someone else fight a fight while providing direct backup, participating in that same fight from a greater distance. In the end, he had failed, losing one of his most precious people, having him murdered right in front of his eyes while watching helplessly.

But today, today he did not stay behind. Today, he would not be satisfied with staying out of the important things. Today, _he_ would be the one to solve matters.

Today, he was going to learn what it meant to accept responsibility.

And he would not be protected, would not be rescued, would not fail.

Today he would not be left behind. Today, he would _leave_ behind.

* * *

A/N: Second in Patterns series. Dunno what to say. I do realise that I jumped into the "Abeyance" feeling in that first section, but I could not really leave that out; it was immensely important to the big picture, to portray how Shikamaru has gradually been getting closer and closer to the fighting.

And yes, that last line is open for interpretation. I'm saying it's a change; I'm _not_ saying it's a change for the better – not yet. I really do hope he's gonna be back soon (it's been more than a year!), so that we can all see in what way that experience affected him in the long run.

I'll probably change a few parts of this soon; I'm not quite satisfied with the wording yet. However, I wanted to get this uploaded before chapter 405 comes out – I have a feeling (or more like wishful thinking) that we're gonna see him again. (Code, anyone?)

Reviews are very welcome, constructive criticism as well as one-liners. Thank you for reading.


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